Time to Spell It Correctly: DIEvorce

You read that correctly. I have decided to change the spelling (as far as I am concerned) and add the “e”. No longer will it be “divorce” but now it will be “dievorce.” After all, dievorce is a death. It is a death to a marriage, a family, a child’s dream and natural desire for a stable two parent home wtih a mom and dad. It is a death to hopes, dreams, future good memories as a couple and family, as well as a death to love and goodness in the family. What does it bring life to? Pain, hurt, anger, resentment, all the social and behavioral problems that dievorce creates. It also brings life to stepfamilies, two homes, two sets of family rules, parents who don’t get along for the sake of the children, and the list can go on.

Some of you will not like what I have to say. That is ok. I have decided to change the spelling and call it DIEVORCE. It is more accurate to what the word means..and does.

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The Marriage Debate… and Christian Divorces

Notice how much more the debate about the definition of marriage is growing.  The President has officially endorsed same-sex marriage.  More and more states are endorsing it.  Chick-Fil-A (a great company with the BEST chicken) is in the cross-hairs of the gay agenda because of the personal beliefs of its leadership regarding marriage.  I personally believe that this debate will continue.  Those advocating for gay marriage attack the Christian community on their resistance to the gay marriage movement.  I understand that completely.

What I find interesting is the gay activists arguement that conservatives and Christians don’t really value marriage because of their high divorce rate. They argue that they find it puzzling that Christians argue FOR traditional marriage and state that Christians value it while their own high divorce rate would suggest the opposite.  I must agree with them on this point.  If we in the Church valued marriage so much how do we explain our lack of value for it as evidenced by our very high number of divorces.

Our high divorce rate and our fight for heterosexual marriage as something we value seems hypocritical.  I would strongly suggest we look in the mirror at our own failed marriages.  The Southern Baptist Convention has done so with a report of their own high divorces and what it means about their faith.  I applaud them for boldly looking in the marriage and coming to terms with the lack of integrity in what they teach and how they live.

I am not suggesting that folks do not fight against same-sex marriage if they desire.  For myself, I will fight against divorce.  It is the greater evil in my mind.  God hates divorce (Malachi 2).

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Marriage Intensives DO Work

I have been off the grid for a while as I was doing some work in Kansas and am now “back in the saddle” as they say!  And, great to be back.  I have also realized some things in a more profound way and I wanted to share one of these with you.  It was shared a couple of years ago by a leader in the marriage and family therapy field that 64% of couples that attend marriage counseling will not make it.  There are various reasons for this, suffice it to say, the majority of folks who divorce have attended marriage therapy.  This is NOT to say that marriage counseling can not help and that many have been helped.  However, there is a model of counseling for couples that shows great promise.  I am talking about a marriage intensive.  We at Marriage for Life conduct these intensives.

A marriage intensive is a 2-3 day focused intervention for couples to help them get unstuck and provide the emotional bonding and regulation skills necessary for a healthy and loving relationship.  Our marriage intensives also teach the essential skills for communication, confiding, problem solving, forgiveness as well as identification of one’s assumptions about life and how our family of origin shaped these assumptions.  Couples who attend these intensives report that it worked better than therapy and moved their relationship along in a positive manner.  I have had many marriage counselors refer couples to me who were stuck.  Many of these get unstuck and find hope.

Our Marriage Intensives are in two formats:  HOPE Weekend class with up to six couples and the other is one couple with a marriage coach.  Marriage intensives are NOT therapy but educational formats that are highly therapeutic.  If you or someone you know needs this help, contact us through our website at www.marriageforlife.org.

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Love Brings Order to Chaos

Ever noticed that when things get bad in a relationship that things tend to get chaotic? And when the chaos begins, all hell can break loose: people withdraw, they yell, they call names and label each other, they mimick and mock, they withdraw and become silent, and a whole lot of other behaviors arise. Chaos will never bring people together; it only separates and divides. Separation is the tool of the spiritual enemy to divide and conquer: to conquer you and your relationships and ultimately, your relationship with Abba Father. Chaos creates confusion, anger, resentment, hurt, pain and most important, fear. And where there is fear, there will not be faith and love. Fear robs us of faith. Fear robs us of intimacy. And all this because we choose to act in unloving ways.

Love, however, brings order to chaos. It structures things so that love can flow. Love allows for care and compassion to dominate. Love allows for peace and security to reign. Love allows for a greater sense of USness in your heart and relationship.

What do you do when there is conflict? Do you bring chaos to it through dirty fighting tactics, blaming, etc? Or do you move to love? Love brings patience, kindness, compassion, care, humility, self-control. I think you get the picture of what I am trying to say.

Peace.

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Life After Your Sex Addicted Husband Chooses His Addiction Over His Wife

I received this copy of a letter a teenage daughter wrote her mother after her sexually addicted father chose to leave his family. The wife tried for years to make the marriage work. He chose his addiction. This wonderful, loving daughter watched all those years. She observed. She saw the truth. She wrote this letter to help her mother. It brought tears to my eyes when I read this. I hope it inspires someone out there as well.

Dear Mother,

I see you, even though you try to blend into the background. I see you nervously put on your lipstick, ruffle your hair, check for wrinkles; believing you are anything but beautiful. I see you not know what to do in a crowd anymore, feeling so out of place due to the empty space of the person who perfectly fit beside you. I see you embracing the end of your journey: life has become a monotonous hole.

But, Oh! have you have not grown yet. The person what was so colossal in our lives, so large that he blocked the world from seeing you, tell him to step aside. It is your time now. For you are brilliant, you are beautifulo; you have yet to begin your journey. God has reached His hand out for you to grasp and tells you to fix your eyes upon new sites. With all the opportunity of a graduate, the styrength of a war veteran, and the wisdom of a mother; all that is left now is for you to choose your road.

Do not shrink in the hole. Do not be defeated by life’s punches. You are stronger. In all my years of living, in all the places I haev been, in all the people I have met, in all the knowledge I have learned, I have never come close to experiencing somebody as extraordinary as you. So don’t dwell on your past, for you have places to go and a future to start. You choose where. You choose when. You choose how.

No go. Lift your eyes from the ground to the sun. A new day arises for you, but you must get up and rise for your new day.

From a daughter with never-ending admiration.

This daughter had much wisdom that her mother had done all she could do but that there is life beyond her unwanted divorce. God’s favor is for the poor and helpless. God’s favor is for those who seek to do right and well. This wife did. Her husband chose the path of sin and destruction.

What a wonderful insightful teenage daughter.

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Random Thoughts

I am sitting here in the office of a dear friend. He and his wife have graciously allowed me to use an office to get FREE WiFi, do some work, return phone calls, and the like. I am grateful to have them in my life. It is better because of them.

I have been listening the past couple of days to a number of first hand accounts of life in Europe as a Jew during World War II. Now remember, I am sitting here in a wonderful office, snow all around here in Wisconsin, fresh air, and no fear of any impending tragedy. (I know. Some of you might think I am in denial). We here in America have much to be grateful for as we do not experience the hardships other nations face. Japan is in turmoil. The Middle East is a powder keg waiting to explode. Africa is rampant with disease, famine, genocide. Mexico as a nation is in the hands of drug cartels that seem relentless to continue their trade and defy any authority that seeks to stop them.

And then here we are arguing and bickering about our needs not being meet in our marriages. We don’t get our way. We don’t feel loved. We don’t have a say in matters. We don’t get the amount of affection we want. And the list goes on.

I wonder if we would cease complaining about these things if we were under the threat of a nuclear tragedy. If we had some catastophic event take place. Maybe we would be grateful just to have each other to work through the crisis. Would we go back to the old ways once the crisis was over?

I am just wondering. I will seek to live a life that is grateful for the day, my marriage and my children. Today, Trey called and asked if he could remove some old posts in our backyard that I put up years ago. i wanted them removed and have never gotten around to doing something about them. Trey is doing it today. His own initiative. I am grateful to have such a son who cares about our home, our yard. I am blessed beyond measure.

I think in the light of what really matters, I will focus on the issues that matter and not on my selfish desires. I have already seen the devestation that has wreaked on thousands of marriges. The Power of US. I would rather have US than ME.

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It Began With A Marriage And Ends With One

We are living in a post-marriage culture today. I am not proud of that nor do I agree with it. However, the facts bear out what is true. We live in a post-marriage culture. Sadly, every great society (Rome, Greece, etc.) found their decline years before they were finally overthrown was directly related to the breakdown of marriage and family. When marriage and family breakdown so does society. Additionally, our churches and synogogues and mosques will only be as healthy and strong as the marriages and families that comprise them.

Ever thought about this? In the Old Testament, the book of Genesis has God uniting a man and woman in marriage. Human relationships begin with a marriage. In the New Testament book of The Revelation, the end of time ends with a marriage. It begins and ends with marriage. A relationship that is considered holy and divine. A relationship that has its foundational roots linked to the Trinity. A relationship that is the basic structural relationship for society. A relationship that is to be honored above all relationships. Thus, in my estimation when Adam and Eve rebelled and broke their relationship with their Creator (think divorce), their Heaavenly Husband didn’t give up on his wayward bride (think Hosea and Gomer) but did everything he could to redeed his lost bride. And she finally returns to Him and in the end, the marriage is restored.

You know that this pattern is taking place across our fruited plains and glorious land each day: couples breaking up and doing what it takes to put it back together. Sadly, most simply break up and never return. Andy relationship can be healed if both parties are willing to make the changes they need to make within themselves. Do you want to have a strong US? Then be a strong, healthy, and mature “U”.

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No Secret To A Good Marriage

The 7 secrets to a good marriage. The 5 hidden treasures to a really satisfying relationship. The 6 secret principles to a satisfying sexual relationship. What is all this about secrets? I find it amazing that in the past few years some people in this past decade finally discovered the “secrets” to a good marriage. I mourn for all those poor souls throughout antiquity that were not able to experience a really great marriage because these secrets have been laying dormant until recently. And how did these people discover these secrets? Was it at an archaeological dig? Maybe it was given to them through a dream? I don’t know, but I sure am glad that these secrets are now out of the world of the unknown and have been brought into the light. Whew! We can all rest now.

Of course you can tell I am being sarcastic here. I don’t hold anything against these “secret” revealers either. I mean, after all, they are seeking to help mankind and that is a positive thing to be doing. But secrets? Let’s face it. These are not secrets. Many people have discussed these issues in various ways for hundreds of years. Even the Christian Scriptures discuss much of these so called secrets!

So what does it take to have a good marriage if it is not these “secrets?” I think it is CARE. That is right, when we care enough to want a good marriage we will make the changes…and not until. Problem is, most people do not care enough about their marriages and thus they do the things they care about. Thus, their marriages continue to decline and move into more pain and aloneness. The what happens you wonder? Typically the wife will leave the loveless marriage because after all, it is more painful to stay in a relationship where they know they are not wanted, than to be alone without that constant reminder of rejection and abandonment.

Now she has left the marriage and BANG! Hubby wants to fight for the marriage. He will do anything. All those years of counseling, marriage seminars, retreats where he learned so much but never did anything with what he learned are now VERY important to him. What changed? He cares enough to change. Problem is that it is usually too late. Why didn’t he care years before? I am not here to answer that question, just to ponder the reality that when we care more about our relationships than ourselves, we will have the kind of marriages we want.

What keeps you caring enough? What keeps you from not caring enough? I want to live my life caring enough.

Peace

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What Matters Most in 2011?

I am sitting here at my desk in my former garage (now my office) thinking about the year 2010. This has been a good year for me, my marriage, and my family. Yet, it has also been a year of challenges. Economic troubles. Financial problems. Increase in many social problems. And marriage continues to struggle in the most “Christian” nation in the world.

What really matters? What really matters to you? What really matters in the scheme of life? I have been pondering these questions recently. What has prompted this journey of “pondering?” The answer is the books I have been reading on the Holocaust and from the survivors of such genocide.
These people lost everything and that the only thing that mattered was survival and those they loved.

What matters most is the quality of the relationships you have in your life. We all care about something. Problem is, most people do not care enough about their marriage or family. Ahhh, but let her leave you. Let him leave you. Then, magically, we seem to care! I wonder what kept you from caring enough five years ago. Ten years ago? Sadly, we tend to care when death or loss come our way. Much like the Holocaust survivors, what matters is the quality of the relationships and more important, the relationship itself. Would you want to be married to yourself the way you act? If you would not, then why would your spouse?

I am just a man pondering. May we ponder about how we will be different in 2011. What will you do different that makes a difference in your love for each other? I know what I am going to do. Now, I just have to go and do it.

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Does it matter if couples get and stay married?

In Why Marriage Matters, a diverse group of leading family scholars summarizes the findings on the difference that marriage makes.

Family
1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers have good relationships with their children.
2. Cohabitation is not the same as marriage. Cohabiting couples on average are less committed, less faithful, and more likely to break up than married couples.
3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.
4. In almost every known human society, marriage exists as a way of regulating the reproduction of children, families, and society.
5. Marriage typically fosters better romantic and parental relationships compared to other family forms, such as cohabitation. Individuals who have a firm commitment to marriage as an ideal are more likely to invest themselves in their marriage and to enjoy happier marriages.
6. Marriage has important biological consequences for adults and children. For instance, marriage appears to reduce men’s testosterone levels, and girls who grow up in an intact, married family appear to have a relatively later onset of puberty.

Economics
7. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers.
8. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.
9. Marriage reduces poverty and material hardship (for example, missing a meal or failing to pay rent) for disadvantaged women and their children.
10. African Americans and Latinos benefit economically from marriage.
11. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.
12. Parental divorce (or failure to marry) appears to increase
children’s risk of dropping out of high school.
13. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college and achieve high-status jobs.

Physical Health and Longevity
14. Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health than do children in other family forms.
15. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.
16. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of drug and alcohol use for both adults and teens.
17. People, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.
18. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and disability for both men and women.
19. Marriage seems to be associated with better health among minorities and the poor.

Mental Health and Emotional Well-being
20. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological problems like depression and other mental illnesses.
21. Divorce is linked to higher suicide rates.
22. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.

Crime and Domestic Violence
23. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.
24. Married men and women are significantly less likely to be the perpetrators or victims of crime.
25. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than do cohabiting or dating women.
26. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at significantly greater risk for child abuse.

This summary is adapted from Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences, 2nd edition, a publication of
the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values. The Institute is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization that
brings together approximately 100 leading scholars—from across the human sciences and across the political spectrum—for
interdisciplinary deliberation, collaborative research, and joint public statements on the challenges facing families and civil society.

To obtain the original edition of Why Marriage Matters visit www.familyscholars.org.

The Authors
W. Bradford Wilcox, University of Virginia
William J. Doherty, University of Minnesota
Helen Fisher, Rutgers University
William A. Galston, University of Maryland
Norval D. Glenn, University of Texas at Austin
John Gottman, University of Washington (Emeritus)
Robert Lerman, American University
Annette Mahoney, Bowling Green State University
Barbara Markey, Creighton University
Howard J. Markman, University of Denver
Steven Nock, University of Virginia
David Popenoe, Rutgers University
Gloria G. Rodriguez, AVANCE, Inc.
Scott M. Stanley, University of Denver
Linda J. Waite, University of Chicago
Judith Wallerstein, University of California at Berkeley
(Emerita)

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