Rick's reMarks

Ever noticed that when things get bad in a relationship that things tend to get chaotic? And when the chaos begins, all hell can break loose: people withdraw, they yell, they call names and label each other, they mimick and mock, they withdraw and become silent, and a whole lot of other behaviors arise. Chaos will never bring people together; it only separates and divides. Separation is the tool of the spiritual enemy to divide and conquer: to conquer you and your relationships and ultimately, your relationship with Abba Father. Chaos creates confusion, anger, resentment, hurt, pain and most important, fear. And where there is fear, there will not be faith and love. Fear robs us of faith. Fear robs us of intimacy. And all this because we choose to act in unloving ways.

Love, however, brings order to chaos. It structures things so that love can flow. Love allows for care and compassion to dominate. Love allows for peace and security to reign. Love allows for a greater sense of USness in your heart and relationship.

What do you do when there is conflict? Do you bring chaos to it through dirty fighting tactics, blaming, etc? Or do you move to love? Love brings patience, kindness, compassion, care, humility, self-control. I think you get the picture of what I am trying to say.

Peace.

I received this copy of a letter a teenage daughter wrote her mother after her sexually addicted father chose to leave his family. The wife tried for years to make the marriage work. He chose his addiction. This wonderful, loving daughter watched all those years. She observed. She saw the truth. She wrote this letter to help her mother. It brought tears to my eyes when I read this. I hope it inspires someone out there as well.

Dear Mother,

I see you, even though you try to blend into the background. I see you nervously put on your lipstick, ruffle your hair, check for wrinkles; believing you are anything but beautiful. I see you not know what to do in a crowd anymore, feeling so out of place due to the empty space of the person who perfectly fit beside you. I see you embracing the end of your journey: life has become a monotonous hole.

But, Oh! have you have not grown yet. The person what was so colossal in our lives, so large that he blocked the world from seeing you, tell him to step aside. It is your time now. For you are brilliant, you are beautifulo; you have yet to begin your journey. God has reached His hand out for you to grasp and tells you to fix your eyes upon new sites. With all the opportunity of a graduate, the styrength of a war veteran, and the wisdom of a mother; all that is left now is for you to choose your road.

Do not shrink in the hole. Do not be defeated by life’s punches. You are stronger. In all my years of living, in all the places I haev been, in all the people I have met, in all the knowledge I have learned, I have never come close to experiencing somebody as extraordinary as you. So don’t dwell on your past, for you have places to go and a future to start. You choose where. You choose when. You choose how.

No go. Lift your eyes from the ground to the sun. A new day arises for you, but you must get up and rise for your new day.

From a daughter with never-ending admiration.

This daughter had much wisdom that her mother had done all she could do but that there is life beyond her unwanted divorce. God’s favor is for the poor and helpless. God’s favor is for those who seek to do right and well. This wife did. Her husband chose the path of sin and destruction.

What a wonderful insightful teenage daughter.

I am sitting here in the office of a dear friend. He and his wife have graciously allowed me to use an office to get FREE WiFi, do some work, return phone calls, and the like. I am grateful to have them in my life. It is better because of them.

I have been listening the past couple of days to a number of first hand accounts of life in Europe as a Jew during World War II. Now remember, I am sitting here in a wonderful office, snow all around here in Wisconsin, fresh air, and no fear of any impending tragedy. (I know. Some of you might think I am in denial). We here in America have much to be grateful for as we do not experience the hardships other nations face. Japan is in turmoil. The Middle East is a powder keg waiting to explode. Africa is rampant with disease, famine, genocide. Mexico as a nation is in the hands of drug cartels that seem relentless to continue their trade and defy any authority that seeks to stop them.

And then here we are arguing and bickering about our needs not being meet in our marriages. We don’t get our way. We don’t feel loved. We don’t have a say in matters. We don’t get the amount of affection we want. And the list goes on.

I wonder if we would cease complaining about these things if we were under the threat of a nuclear tragedy. If we had some catastophic event take place. Maybe we would be grateful just to have each other to work through the crisis. Would we go back to the old ways once the crisis was over?

I am just wondering. I will seek to live a life that is grateful for the day, my marriage and my children. Today, Trey called and asked if he could remove some old posts in our backyard that I put up years ago. i wanted them removed and have never gotten around to doing something about them. Trey is doing it today. His own initiative. I am grateful to have such a son who cares about our home, our yard. I am blessed beyond measure.

I think in the light of what really matters, I will focus on the issues that matter and not on my selfish desires. I have already seen the devestation that has wreaked on thousands of marriges. The Power of US. I would rather have US than ME.

We are living in a post-marriage culture today. I am not proud of that nor do I agree with it. However, the facts bear out what is true. We live in a post-marriage culture. Sadly, every great society (Rome, Greece, etc.) found their decline years before they were finally overthrown was directly related to the breakdown of marriage and family. When marriage and family breakdown so does society. Additionally, our churches and synogogues and mosques will only be as healthy and strong as the marriages and families that comprise them.

Ever thought about this? In the Old Testament, the book of Genesis has God uniting a man and woman in marriage. Human relationships begin with a marriage. In the New Testament book of The Revelation, the end of time ends with a marriage. It begins and ends with marriage. A relationship that is considered holy and divine. A relationship that has its foundational roots linked to the Trinity. A relationship that is the basic structural relationship for society. A relationship that is to be honored above all relationships. Thus, in my estimation when Adam and Eve rebelled and broke their relationship with their Creator (think divorce), their Heaavenly Husband didn’t give up on his wayward bride (think Hosea and Gomer) but did everything he could to redeed his lost bride. And she finally returns to Him and in the end, the marriage is restored.

You know that this pattern is taking place across our fruited plains and glorious land each day: couples breaking up and doing what it takes to put it back together. Sadly, most simply break up and never return. Andy relationship can be healed if both parties are willing to make the changes they need to make within themselves. Do you want to have a strong US? Then be a strong, healthy, and mature “U”.

The 7 secrets to a good marriage. The 5 hidden treasures to a really satisfying relationship. The 6 secret principles to a satisfying sexual relationship. What is all this about secrets? I find it amazing that in the past few years some people in this past decade finally discovered the “secrets” to a good marriage. I mourn for all those poor souls throughout antiquity that were not able to experience a really great marriage because these secrets have been laying dormant until recently. And how did these people discover these secrets? Was it at an archaeological dig? Maybe it was given to them through a dream? I don’t know, but I sure am glad that these secrets are now out of the world of the unknown and have been brought into the light. Whew! We can all rest now.

Of course you can tell I am being sarcastic here. I don’t hold anything against these “secret” revealers either. I mean, after all, they are seeking to help mankind and that is a positive thing to be doing. But secrets? Let’s face it. These are not secrets. Many people have discussed these issues in various ways for hundreds of years. Even the Christian Scriptures discuss much of these so called secrets!

So what does it take to have a good marriage if it is not these “secrets?” I think it is CARE. That is right, when we care enough to want a good marriage we will make the changes…and not until. Problem is, most people do not care enough about their marriages and thus they do the things they care about. Thus, their marriages continue to decline and move into more pain and aloneness. The what happens you wonder? Typically the wife will leave the loveless marriage because after all, it is more painful to stay in a relationship where they know they are not wanted, than to be alone without that constant reminder of rejection and abandonment.

Now she has left the marriage and BANG! Hubby wants to fight for the marriage. He will do anything. All those years of counseling, marriage seminars, retreats where he learned so much but never did anything with what he learned are now VERY important to him. What changed? He cares enough to change. Problem is that it is usually too late. Why didn’t he care years before? I am not here to answer that question, just to ponder the reality that when we care more about our relationships than ourselves, we will have the kind of marriages we want.

What keeps you caring enough? What keeps you from not caring enough? I want to live my life caring enough.

Peace

I am sitting here at my desk in my former garage (now my office) thinking about the year 2010. This has been a good year for me, my marriage, and my family. Yet, it has also been a year of challenges. Economic troubles. Financial problems. Increase in many social problems. And marriage continues to struggle in the most “Christian” nation in the world.

What really matters? What really matters to you? What really matters in the scheme of life? I have been pondering these questions recently. What has prompted this journey of “pondering?” The answer is the books I have been reading on the Holocaust and from the survivors of such genocide.
These people lost everything and that the only thing that mattered was survival and those they loved.

What matters most is the quality of the relationships you have in your life. We all care about something. Problem is, most people do not care enough about their marriage or family. Ahhh, but let her leave you. Let him leave you. Then, magically, we seem to care! I wonder what kept you from caring enough five years ago. Ten years ago? Sadly, we tend to care when death or loss come our way. Much like the Holocaust survivors, what matters is the quality of the relationships and more important, the relationship itself. Would you want to be married to yourself the way you act? If you would not, then why would your spouse?

I am just a man pondering. May we ponder about how we will be different in 2011. What will you do different that makes a difference in your love for each other? I know what I am going to do. Now, I just have to go and do it.

In Why Marriage Matters, a diverse group of leading family scholars summarizes the findings on the difference that marriage makes.

Family
1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers and mothers have good relationships with their children.
2. Cohabitation is not the same as marriage. Cohabiting couples on average are less committed, less faithful, and more likely to break up than married couples.
3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.
4. In almost every known human society, marriage exists as a way of regulating the reproduction of children, families, and society.
5. Marriage typically fosters better romantic and parental relationships compared to other family forms, such as cohabitation. Individuals who have a firm commitment to marriage as an ideal are more likely to invest themselves in their marriage and to enjoy happier marriages.
6. Marriage has important biological consequences for adults and children. For instance, marriage appears to reduce men’s testosterone levels, and girls who grow up in an intact, married family appear to have a relatively later onset of puberty.

Economics
7. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mothers.
8. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples.
9. Marriage reduces poverty and material hardship (for example, missing a meal or failing to pay rent) for disadvantaged women and their children.
10. African Americans and Latinos benefit economically from marriage.
11. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.
12. Parental divorce (or failure to marry) appears to increase
children’s risk of dropping out of high school.
13. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college and achieve high-status jobs.

Physical Health and Longevity
14. Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health than do children in other family forms.
15. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.
16. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of drug and alcohol use for both adults and teens.
17. People, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.
18. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness, and disability for both men and women.
19. Marriage seems to be associated with better health among minorities and the poor.

Mental Health and Emotional Well-being
20. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological problems like depression and other mental illnesses.
21. Divorce is linked to higher suicide rates.
22. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.

Crime and Domestic Violence
23. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.
24. Married men and women are significantly less likely to be the perpetrators or victims of crime.
25. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than do cohabiting or dating women.
26. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at significantly greater risk for child abuse.

This summary is adapted from Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences, 2nd edition, a publication of
the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values. The Institute is a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization that
brings together approximately 100 leading scholars—from across the human sciences and across the political spectrum—for
interdisciplinary deliberation, collaborative research, and joint public statements on the challenges facing families and civil society.

To obtain the original edition of Why Marriage Matters visit www.familyscholars.org.

The Authors
W. Bradford Wilcox, University of Virginia
William J. Doherty, University of Minnesota
Helen Fisher, Rutgers University
William A. Galston, University of Maryland
Norval D. Glenn, University of Texas at Austin
John Gottman, University of Washington (Emeritus)
Robert Lerman, American University
Annette Mahoney, Bowling Green State University
Barbara Markey, Creighton University
Howard J. Markman, University of Denver
Steven Nock, University of Virginia
David Popenoe, Rutgers University
Gloria G. Rodriguez, AVANCE, Inc.
Scott M. Stanley, University of Denver
Linda J. Waite, University of Chicago
Judith Wallerstein, University of California at Berkeley
(Emerita)

Now, before I get started, let me say this up front. I love kids. I have three wonderful children myself and love being around them. So, I am not against children or helping children from broken homes. Now with that said, let me challenge your thinking for a moment. And, if you disagree with me, that is fine.

Someone once said that Florida’s most precious resource is our children. Another person in the room stated that he disagreed. He was for children as he had three daughters of his own. Yet, he argued (rightly so I might add) that Florida’s most precious resource are the parents that raise those children! I was in that meeting of the former Florida Commission on Marriage and Family Support Initiatives, as I was a Commissioner at that time. I most strongly agree with that statement. The problems we see today with children are mostly directed at marital discord and divorce. Yet, little is being done proactively to stop divorce and help these couples.

I bet you didn’t know that the majority of people who divorce report that they wish they had not and that they wish they had fought for their marriage. And, divorced families produce children who are more at risk for mental health issues, school problems and are more likely to get involved in behaviors that end them up in the justice system. If these children were raised in healthy two parent homes, their is an abundance of research that reveals these children do better on all social measures across the board than those kids from divorced homes. I know that many will disagree with me. And that is ok. The research speaks for itself.

Yet, there is little being done to help these couples weather the storms of conflict and learn how to communicate to work through issues. What predicts distress and divorce 90% of the time is communication and problem solving skills. And what is more interesting is data revealed by Dr. Scott Stanley, of the University of Denver, where he revealed in a professional conference that 64% of people who attend marriage therapy will divorce (AAMFT Data according to Dr. Stanley). Dr. Bill Doherty of the University of Minnesota coined a term: Therapist Assisted Marital Suicide. You can read that article at www.smartmarriages.com. What then helps couples increase the chance of reconciliation and restoration? Teaching them healthy relationship skills: skills for bonding, attachment, confiding, communication, problem solving, emotional regulation, forgiveness, etc.

I think it important that we spend time reaching the adults who raise our children here in Jacksonville. Cohabitation is growing and yet research is clear that this is the most unhealthy relationship to be in, especially for children. But, most couples choose living together over marriage because of their fear of divorce. And I don’t blame them. Even those champions of marriage in the churches show even higher divorce rates than the unchurched. And according to a Newsweek article a while back divorce rates of pastors is equal to the general population. We can turn all this around and make Jacksonville a place for loving, caring, and growing families and marriages. We can undo our almost 70% divorce rate by focusing on helping the adults.

Marriage for Life, Inc. seeks to help adults in the community through marriage coaching and educational intensives that create a difference that will make a difference. Chets Creek Church regularly offers marriage education programs for couples. There is much we can do to make a difference. If you think we can help, let me know. Contact us at www.marriageforlife.org.

Have you ever found yourself needing help and not asking for it. For whatever reason you didn’t, does not matter right now. Just the fact that you needed help, didn’t ask for it, and found a way to cope or deal with the situation as best you could. Then, sometimes you found that you had the ability inside of you all the time. But, sadly, many times we find that we can NOT fix the problem alone and we still never ask for help. What frustration!

I have been learning over the past few years that I have to ask for help. And for someone who was raised to “not trust anyone” that was, and is, very difficult for me. I can look back at how many relationship problems I could have avoided had I simply reached out and admitted, “I can’t do it; I need help.” And what freedom there is IN ADMITTING THIS!!!

Why do we not ask for help? Answers are varied but include insecurity, fear, pride, shame, guilt, control, untrusting spirit, and much more. Yet, when we live in these we never really grow and mature. I find that to do life and relationships well, I must be willing to admit that there are times I need help. This explains the 63 “one another” verses in the Bible. Love one another. Comfort one another. Support one another. Pray for one another. You get my drift.

Maybe we should make this week a time to ask for help. I began in a BIG way when I reached out and admitted I needed help in growing the ministry to marriages and families. When we admit we can not, God shows He can. May you experience and learn the same.

Here is a wonderful piece on marriage from Rabbi Sydney Greenberg. Enjoy.

“The joy of marriage is, to begin with, the joy of not being alone. It is the joy of companionship and intimacy and having a person and place to come to. It is the joy of structure and order, of comfort, security and stability. It is the joy of having someone to help with the burdens and drudgery of daily life. It is the joy of making a home and creating a family. It is the joy of being a parent and raising children.

It is the joy of defining your relationship with respect to others and society at large. It is the joy of loving someone so much that you want to celebrate that love and commitment publicly. It is the joy of taking a risk, making a leap of faith, going all the way. It is the joy of believing in someone and something above and beyond yourself. It is the joy of building something lasting and substantial.

It is the joy of having a best friend who is also your lover, and a lover who is also your best friend. It is the joy of sleeping with someone who warms your heart as well as your bed. It is the joy of making love without awkwardness, self-consciousness or shame. It is the joy of developing a private vocabulary and doing some of your best talking without words.

It is the joy of having someone real to hold when you wake up sweating during a dark night of the soul. It is the joy of having someone who truly cares, someone who will stand by you when you get sick, or falter, or fail. It is the joy of having someone you believe, and who believes in you, tell you at times that you are the best, and at other times, that you can be much better.

It is the joy of outgrowing your adolescent self-absorption and getting on with life. It is the joy of being faithful and honoring a vow. It is the joy of ennobling yourself through discipline and sacrifice. It is the joy of having a common history and mutual memories and the sense of having traveled far together. It is the joy of being a separate individual and yet also part of a whole. It is the joy of fighting and making up, of going apart and coming together again. It is the joy of learning to yield and to compromise, to care and to love. And finally, it is the joy of giving…”